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2/52 wk: [desire]

“Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.” ~Rumi

I need to be better at writing my thoughts down. There was this grand idea in my mind to write about desires we all have, how we express or hide those desires… yet after two days of staring at this post my original thoughts escape me. When I took the photo, I was thinking about how I don’t normally see myself as a sensual woman. Most of the time, I feel like a tomboy who is trying to pretend to be a woman by wearing makeup and nice clothes. BUT….but every now and then I want to feel like a woman, someone who is pretty and desired by the opposite sex.

*gasp*

Does this make me seem promiscuous?

We all have desires. By definition a desire is to long or hope for or to express a wish for. Some choose to hide their hopes/dreams while some are open about them. There is nothing wrong with having certain desires, it’s what motivates you to do what you do, to be who you were meant to be. My 52 week project is about stripping off the layers and learning more about myself so I’m going to share some of my desires:

  • To be loved, truly and madly loved. Maybe I’m foolish, but I think it’s something everyone should feel. To have someone who adores me enough to make the big gestures, to say no matter how hard they are push away they will stay, who makes me feel beautiful everyday, someone who will say it’ll be o.k. (yes I’m married, but if you are married you understand being married isn’t a movie and life get’s in the way, habits and conflicts form.)
  • To be understood. I’ve written about this before but my way of thinking isn’t in literally terms. My thoughts are analogies. I see the cup as always full even when 1/2 empty, but not everyone does and this can cause confusion in those who don’t think the same way.
  • To be a child again. To laugh uncontrollably at the innocence of life, without worry of what’s going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, or a few years from now. While being an adult solves a lot of the child like desires, being an adult and more so a parent carries a lot of weight on one’s shoulders. Every choice made is not for one person anymore, there are rewards/consequences for the children too.
  • To travel. Oh my goodness, to travel freely and experience the world. Sitting here now this very thought excites and terrifies me all at the same time.
  • To be completely honest. Over the past few years, I’ve had to open my eyes to a lot of truths about myself and how others view me. It’s funny to hear how others view  you, many times what they think is completely so off the wall it makes you laugh other times it makes you look deep inside and admit they were right. Either way I want to know I was honest to myself.
  • To be successful with my photography. Here is the kicker though….I know I’m not good being “number 1” so honestly this desires is futile in my eyes. I can be anyone’s number 2 person. I can be the best number 2 person there is but to be the number 1 person with all eyes on me, i stress out and shut down. Hey but at least I’m being honest about it.
  • To be carefree and irresponsible. I’ve always been the dependable person, the person to so the right thing all the time. I try not to disappoint someone else because I didn’t follow thru on my end of the deal. Why? Because I don’t want it to happen to me. I want to know there are people I can fully depend upon, to know their word means they will be something. Yet, time and again I am disappointed and so I want to be as carefree and irresponsible as everyone else is with me….this doesn’t mean I will be, it’s what I want though. See how responsible I am.
  • Finally, to die knowing I lived the best life I could. When I turned 36yr old, I like to say I had my mid-life crisis. I took a long hard look at where and who I was and wasn’t happy. Over the past three years, I’ve slowly been making changes to make who I feel I am on the inside and who I am on the outside be more cohesive. NOT that I was ever being fake before, I simply refrained from thinking, saying, or doing what I wanted for the sake of what other people may think. Today, I’m at a point in my life where I can post a photo, like above, and see everything I’m insecure about, yet still see all the good things I see about myself.

So there you have a few of my personal desires. I truly believe by sharing what we think and how we feel with others do we not only learn about ourselves but we feel somewhat validated to know we aren’t alone. Life is a journey and it’s always more fun to travel with friends. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

 

Let YOUR light shine,

Kim

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  • Jay - January 25, 2012 - 7:31 am

    Wow Kim, that post was great. I love how you decided to just open up and let it flow. The travel and photography points I share with you but my photos are no where near yours, I am more like somebody 67th than 2nd. I agree and struggle within myself about your last point. Best is such a subjective term – best for me? best for my kids? best for my family? best for others? Just keep trying until I figure it out for myself I guess. You look great in the photo by the way. Keep up whatever you have been doing. JayReplyCancel

    • Kim - January 25, 2012 - 8:00 am

      Yay, your comment came thru. 🙂

      There are a lot of people who want to be #1 or #100, nothing wrong with being were a person is in life if that’s where they want to be. I find it hard because we live in a world were people judge you based on numbers (which is another blogs post in the making).ReplyCancel

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