5:45am: Here I
sit am pedaling on the bike trying to come up with words for this post. I wanted to write a post about body image, the struggles, the reality, the acceptance yet I know my photo is Photoshopped. No, I didn’t enhance or decrease anything but the editing seems to make the photos more dramatic, less me in some way. Yesterday, I had a thought running through my head:
Allowing thyself to go into a dark place even though dark places are feared teaches one to overcome fear.
The thought then sparked the idea to capture a mood on instant film, see below. Just putting these images and thoughts out in the open, terrifies me. I’ve mentioned, in the past, my struggle with depression. Anyone who’s dealt with it themselves or with family/friends who wrestle with their own mind knows the pain. Thankfully, I’ve learned to embrace the dark days but it makes me feel like Darth Vader at times…”Come to the dark side, Kim.” It’s also is a time when I feel my most creative. It’s a time when I am the most daring in my writing and photos. I’ll never say what I write is good, it seems my thoughts turn into a stew of words until I have no words left to mix together. 🙂
How does this matter and relate? A few weeks ago I came across a Flickr group “I am beautiful.” Any photo posted must have the words “I am beautiful” in the image, not Photoshopped in. I also peruse the Pinterest website*, which I love by the way. As I browse, every now and then I come across images of woman with rock hard ab’s, long lean bodies, and such images
we I seem to desire and think we I should look like. Our My drive to have the supermodel body drives some of us me crazy. Growing up and still my own mother talks about being on a diet, but why? I worry for my own girls and how society will make them feel they should look to be considered beautiful. Think about what the average size was 40yrs ago, 20yrs ago and what they are today. A size zero isn’t small enough for some, they want to be a size zero in juniors. How have we become a society who thinks like this?
The topic of body awareness and why
we I feel the way I do about my body. During a discussion of this very topic with a dear friend, the thought popped up that we have created our own fight. Think about how many times we hear snide remarks about another woman’s weight…maybe a friend, sister, neighbor, someone at the gym has gained or lost weight. If a fit/healthy attractive woman of any age walks around in a nice outfit which flatters her body she is “flaunting her stuff.” Honestly, this observation was made this past weekend during 1st communion, of all places. Chris made a comment that maybe a dress was inappropriate for the occasion, which I thought was appropriate, so I said…”you know any outfit she wears people are going to think it’s inappropriate because she is attractive and has a very fit body. Put the same dress on someone not as fit or attractive and the attitude changes.” He saw my point. Then thought of not wanting to look like I’m flaunting haunts my mind and I feel self conscious when I wear a shirt with a V-neck a little to deep. I’m not an insecure person, but when I hear what others say about other people I question what is being said about me. Maybe my muffin top is a little to “poofy” or can you see the cellulite under these pants? I’m no angel, but it got me thinking…Why don’t we support each other more, tell each other how beautiful we are, as a society, for being strong mentally, spiritually, physically. Focus on the good things, not pass judgement so quickly.
In my own mind I have to start with accepting myself for who I am, not who I was yesterday and not who I may be tomorrow. …so here I am baring my vulnerable side. It’s taken me 38 yrs to look at myself and think “I am beautiful” inside and outside. I’m not perfect. I’m soft on the outside despite watching every calorie that goes in and working out everyday. I have what some would consider a big mouth, an unfiltered censor so to speak, though I feel I have an opinion and if I never express it then how is there ever a discussion. I am stubborn, but only because I know I’m right. 😉 I’m not always the best mom, I use words many would gasp at. What I am is a strong woman, someone who knows she makes mistakes, embraces those mistakes and tries to learn from them. I am determined. I may never be a supermodel, duh I’m not even 5’1″ but I workout to be healthy and strong. To teach my girls the importance to stay active. I’m independent, yet I know I need people in ways they may never understand. Hopefully, the insecurities I grew up with will not be the same burden for my children. May the next generation of girls, and boys, learn what a beautiful person really is; Kindness, honestly, perseverance, integrity, etc… looks is the last thing not the first thing that makes a person beautiful. Hopefully, if you are reading this you will feel a little inspired to start giving yourself a break, to say “I am Beautiful.”
Yesterday, H. said to me “mom your so pretty.” I replied “I get that from you.” 🙂
instant film PX680FF by The Impossible Project taken with Polaroid SX-70
*Pinterest is a site where others post photos, quotes, recipes, travel images etc onto their virtual board for quick reference and organization of likes.
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